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Peadophile OCD

Peadophile OCD, Pure O, Sexual Orientation OCD

The OCD Rabbit Hole

For my friends, family and Kiwi girlfriend.

I have ‘Pure O’ OCD where the compulsions are more in your head and ‘mental’ as opposed to someone with contamination OCD where they will do ‘physical’ compulsions such as washing their hands and trying to control not getting contaminated from AIDS or Ebola. But to be honest as I have had OCD since I was a child (4-5 apparently.) I have gone through all the different types including (not in order): fears of black specks, contamination, washing hands, ‘Pure O’, fear of the numbers 13 and 666 (with plenty of horror movie references,) sexual and religious OCD. All the compulsions do, are re-enforce the OCD and that is where Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps.

With regards to the sexual OCD, it has gone through the’ OCD mill’ where the first worries with sexuality was when I was at boarding school and like most boys at the age of 13, there were many jokes about being gay. I recall one boy saying that “1 in 10 people are gay” so of course we all looked around to try and work out which one of us would end up gay if we weren’t already. I would look at Calvin Klein boxer adverts and worry that I was attracted to images of men with six packs. As I realised that being gay wasn’t an issue, it then went onto darker sides of the sexuality spectrum. It went onto bestiality at the age of 14-15 where I worried I might be attracted to animals. I had a weird dream at one point, which involved a sex act with a dog. This completely freaked me out where I then felt sick and actually cried. Looking back, it was disturbing but also amusing in how ridiculous it was. The bestiality fear tapped into my love of animals, where I have always been a massive fan of dogs and cats (not in a sexual way!)

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Intrusive Thoughts, Peadophile OCD

OCD Recovery: I am going to achieve my dreams

Though at points I paint a negative picture I believe in the absolute core of my being that OCD is something anyone can recover from and is ultimately not something I’d trade for the world.

Here is my account of what it’s like to live with OCD. I hope to express myself as honestly as I can. Over the years of recovery, I’ve had to open up about the nature of my OCD through productive discussions with cognitive behavioural therapists and reassurance seeking questions directed towards friends and my long suffering parents. As a result, I now feel able to discuss some of my intrusions on The OCD Stories. I’ll begin by briefly describing my childhood experiences with OCD, my thoughts on CBT, and finally where I am now. Though at points I paint a negative picture I believe in the absolute core of my being that OCD is something anyone can recover from and is ultimately not something I’d trade for the world.

When I was nine my parents moved to Bristol and I was placed in a large school named Clifton College. Moving from a 100-person village school to Bristol was an overwhelming experience. I was picked on endlessly and attempted to isolate myself as best as I could. In my experience children are capable of immense cruelty towards each other, acting as a group to pick on the weakest or the perceived weakest. I can only speculate but I believe this experience acted as a trigger for my OCD and has shaped me significantly. OCD is about control. We attempt to control our thoughts, actions and environment all in a hopeless attempt to reduce the uncertainty. OCD takes over your life, by telling you what to do, promising to make things better but ultimately reneges on every deal it makes. Despite promising you that this is the last piece of reassurance it needs, it always demands more, growing each time you entertain it.

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Harm OCD, Peadophile OCD

Maternal OCD and facing the OCD monster head on

I told everyone all my thoughts presuming my baby would be taken away but he wasn’t… My first realisation!!!

My main OCD story starts in 2014 previous to that I had without really knowing it suffered crippling anxiety and worry (I just presumed we all worried in the same way about the same things) I also had self confidence issues which I dealt with by developing an eating disorder (control) in my early teens.

I met my husband to be at 17 which helped me gain a lot of confidence. I managed to overcome my anorexia apart from a few blips along the way, I went to college, uni got a job we got married. One thing that I couldn’t do was drive. I had past my test first time at 20 then never managed to get behind the wheel again properly for years, I put it down to a phobia initially but now I know differently, (in my mind, I had run someone over, killed them, gone to prison and shamed my family before I had even put the key on the ignition!!!).

During these years I had no idea I was suffering from mental health issues until 2004 a big one hit me out of the blue. I was a happy newly wed, new house, new job and desperate to start a family one night I was watching tv and there was an advert for pampers. I didn’t think anything of it, the advert finished and a different advert started then an image of a young boy naked entered my mind, my life as I had known it ended there and my 12 year battle with OCD started. I panicked ‘why did I think that?’ What’s wrong with me, I must be a monster a peadophile… I went into major panic, ruminating, over thinking , every horrible thought you could possibly imagine went through my head it was impossible to live with and I wanted to end my life. If it wasn’t for my husband I wouldn’t be here. I took the meds and engaged in CBT although it was hardly explained to me properly and was not diagnosed with OCD at the time. I slowly got my self together ( I say that loosely) but lived on the edge with crippling intrusive thoughts avoiding children at all costs for the next 7 years or so, and on and off meds but had no counselling after the initial sessions in 2004, at the same time I was grieving for the family I could not have (in my mind there was no way I could be or deserved to be a mum). My life felt miserable.

At the end of 2013 , I was so unhappy about not having a family but still crippled by the what if’s that my husband and I decided that we needed to try, I think my biggest motivation was my age and that l would soon be turning 40. We got pregnant a month after finally deciding I was so shocked at how quick it was and I was petrified. Towards the end of my pregnancy I did receive some counselling but unfortunately not the right kind and my midwife and doctor were both anti meds. I was so anxious about my pregnancy and having a baby that my mind was going into overdrive all sorts of worse case scenarios…so I had already decided I was giving the baby up.

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OCD, Peadophile OCD

Standing at the Gate of the Journey

That’s what I like about me, there’s always that stubborn and insistent side that, for real, KNOWS. Knows that I CAN do it, that eventually I WILL.

Hello, my name is Rodrigo. I am 21 years old and live in Costa Rica. I have a wonderful family: mom, dad, four sisters -two with families of their own-, two nephews, and a niece. My friends are wonderful, supporting, incredibly helpful, and just plain awesome. I am a filmmaker and a musician, passionate for both art forms. I have nothing to complain about in my life – I would like to be a little taller, but that’s frivolous – but I am far from being fine. Actually, I am not fine. I am doing badly. Allow me to tell you why; and bear with me, because I like detail.

On a Tuesday in June of 2014 I was practicing keyboard in my room when, suddenly, this little thought crossed my mind: “What if I… raped somebody?” My reaction was a serious face and an internal “Whoa”; however, I didn’t make much of it. I kept on practicing, only a little distressed. I spent the rest of that day having that question in mind, but attributed it to just “being distracted”. The next day, I was constantly repeating to myself “I will not think about rape today”, even during practice, which of course only distracted me more.

It didn’t take long for the question to leave my mind. But something came to replace it: images. Images of me raping a woman, child, or man; getting caught by the police; being thrown into jail; being on the news; my friends hating me and leaving me, alone; my parents and sisters crying, disappointed. I applied the same technique as before, “I will not think about rape today”, every day, and added REALLY TRYING to focus on whatever I was practicing or studying. By the end of the week, I wasn’t a man rapist anymore, but I was still a woman and child rapist -in my head, of course-. I was a monster that only needed the right time and opportunity to reveal myself. My TRUE self.

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Peadophile OCD

WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE?

I felt like I lost a huge boulder that had been sitting heavy on my shoulders and in my heart for years.

WHAT IF I’M A PAEODPHILE, WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE, WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE,what if i’m a paedophile,whatifi’mapaedophile –  fast and furious the thoughts came, every way I looked this one question that threatened my whole identity loomed large in my mind. Coupled with flashing images of naked children, things I may have potentially done to children all made me sick with the horror.

The trouble is with OCD, it’s not just one obsession that torments you. I would plead with my mind to give me something else to worry about but inevitably a new obsession would come and it would be just as awful as the last. I built up strategies to try and tear the anxiety down. The misleading thing is it would work for a while and so I would become convinced that I had finally outrun it. What I didn’t realise was that every trick, strategy and counter attack was actually just reinforcing the OCD. Every thought I suppressed, every occasion I avoided was all just fueling the OCD fire.
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