Browsing Category

Postpartum OCD

Postpartum OCD

What if I harm my child? An OCD Story

I will never quit and you should never quit either.

I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. My first memory is when I was 11. I watched a movie and became obsessed with being hurt sexually like the person in the movie. It was a unhealthy fear. I told my parents and they took me to a counselor, and they psychoanalyzed me.  This did eventually go away. I became obsessed with my health in my teen years. I thought that I would die from some sickness even if I had no symptom of anything. It was ridiculous.

Then when I had my 1st baby at 19 years old was when I really met OCD like no other.  I remember walking with my 4 month old baby and all of a sudden a thought came to me “What if you accidentally dropped the baby” and then it went to “what if you purposely dropped the baby”. These thoughts of harming my baby almost destroyed me. I knew that I would never hurt my child. I thought I must never tell anyone or I will loose my child. So I suffered in silence. This OCD fear did did loosen its grip eventually.

But OCD started to make me think that I was a lesbian. I knew that I wasnt but the thoughts were so strong. I recognized the feeling of fear was a similar feeling I had with the harm thoughts of my child. It still felt so real. This also did eventually lose its power and things were normal for a bit. Then I had a 3rd child and 5 days after he was born.. the harm thoughts came back with a vengeance. I became extremely depressed for I recognized the feeling and I was overcome with sadness. This was my first episode of a major depressive episode. It was awful. I lost a lot of weight. I finally was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD. It made so much sense. I was relieved that I was not crazy.  She put me on medication and it was helpful with the depression but not so much with the OCD.

Continue Reading

Intrusive Thoughts, Postpartum OCD

Postpartum OCD, Intrusive Thoughts and Recovery

I decided to share my story because I want you to know you are not alone.

I was 26. I had just given birth to my first born, a boy. He was a 
baby who had been prayed for and yearned for, and waited for through the heartache and tears of two miscarriages. It should have been the
 happiest time in my life. I remember the first vivid intrusive thought. It was my first week 
home alone with him. I was cooking. He was laying in his infant seat 
in the kitchen. I had a flash of accidentally dropping my knife and 
hurting him. Immediately, the thought morphed into my stabbing him on 
purpose. Panic rushed in. I was hot and shaky. Terrified. I cried out 
to God to protect my son from me.

Continue Reading