Intrusive Thoughts, OCD

Fear Of Death, Writing The Alphabet And The Importance Of Embracing OCD

Don’t worry about being different or what people think. Embrace it and you will find you have more good days than bad.

I’m Steph, 27. I never really knew or understood OCD. I admit I was ignorant like many others to it, and saw it only for people needing to order things and be tidy. This however is NOT the case.

I have never officially been diagnosed with OCD although a therapist I was referred to for anxiety issues told me it “sure does sound like it”.

My OCD symptoms?… well they vary really. From needing to check at least 3 times that I have locked windows, doors or my car. I even get a family member or friend to check also ( this is good for when I later start worrying about it again). I wouldn’t say I’m massively hyped on cleaning but I do need to keep my hands clean and again wash them at least 3 times every time. A newer addition to me is when I get nervous or anxious I use a finger to write on my thumb the letters of the alphabet. Always in capitals I might add. If for some reason I forget where I am up to or don’t like the way the letter came out (you can’t see what I write,my finger contains no ink) I rub it clean and start again and I cannot carry on until I get to ‘Z’. I love having things is order too I cannot lie. DVDs, CDs, books have to be alphabetical order. I work in a pre school and this is particularly challenging.

Now talking about people not understanding. We have a collection of Mr Men books at work (now for you who know these they are numbered and when put in correct order spell out Mr Men Collection) I put them away one day and a member of staff found it funny to knock them all out as she knew it would “annoy me”. How and why this is classed as funny I don’t really know. My mum doesn’t seem to understand too well either. She tells me off for having to re check locks and wash hands again etc.

Mr Men Books Illustration

What highlighted me more to my OCD is that I suffer with many “Dark thoughts” although my therapist said I shouldn’t call them that. By these I mean I have a huge phobia of dying and very often have nightmares of a particular thing. This however is too hard to write about. It wasn’t until I noticed my little routines becoming more and I researched if it was OCD that I found out that fear of dying and depressing thoughts are also a HUGE part of it.

I can’t really explain how I get through each day. I guess it’s become a part of me and I have accepted it. Some days are really hard so I try and do things I enjoy to distract my mind, like watching a good film or reading a book. Other days things seem much easier.

My only real advice to people out there is to remember you are NOT alone. Don’t worry about being different or what people think. Embrace it and you will find you have more good days than bad. It wasn’t until I found this site and wonderful man on Twitter that I have realised it’s who I am, and I’m proud of that.

Enjoy life guys, make it yours!!

Steph

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3 Comments

  • Reply Haley's Story - Religious OCD & Recovery | The OCD Stories October 8, 2015 at 10:17 am

    […] OCD affects Haley’s ability to write […]

  • Reply Wes December 29, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    Wow. I totally get the “dark thoughts’ and the inability (?) to explain the fear of dying. I’ve thought about writing about it so any times but can’t bring myself to do it. I tend to think it’s like all of my anxiety issues: If I were to share, I bet I’d get some amazing feedback. Just can’t seem to go there. Thanks for sharing this!

    • Stuart Ralph
      Reply Stuart Ralph January 12, 2017 at 12:32 pm

      Thanks for the comment Wes.You’ll get there. Maybe a first step could be just to write it for yourself. Then you can decide whether to share it or not 🙂

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