OCD

From OCD To University

Just know that you are not alone and you will be able to live a very happy life!

It all started when I was 15 and suddenly I realized I was living with rituals and having very horrible thoughts about my family. I have had a feeling of anxiety all my life since I was 7 years old. I remember having a nightmare and the monster from that nightmare pursued me my whole life until I turned 17. I remember having terrible thoughts of death because I was sure that one day this monster was going to hurt me. So when I was 15 I realized I was living in a cage. I was doing rituals for 20 minutes before bedtime and in the morning before school. I had contamination OCD as well. I remember myself hating everybody and having no desire to be anywhere but at home. Home was the only safe place for me to stay and when I was 16 I didn’t even have the strength to go to school and I was sure that I would not be able to enter university with my anxiety.

My OCD was associated with the protection of my family and I from danger. I was checking the doors, going up the stairs, turning off the light in a certain way, I was washing my hands many many times a day. After that I started doing rituals even at school because of my fear to communicate with others. I was like an actress and I was always playing a role of the ‘happy girl’ who has no problems. Weekends were the only days when I never left the house and did rituals so I was the happiest person in the world.

I was depressed for about 2 months and could not find purpose in life. I was so scared. I was faking illness to stay at home and could spend 7 minutes to put a blouse ‘right’.

After so many years of struggling I decided to tell my mom about it. My parents knew that I have rituals but they never thought that it could be so serious. That’s why when I told them they said that a lot of people have the same problems associated with the desire to be alone. They have always supported me but at that moment they didn’t want to accept the fact that there was something wrong with me. I was lost and didn’t know how to convince my parents to find a psychologist. Eventually, we found one but it was definitely a failure because the psychiatrist apparently did not understand what was happening to me and appointed me talking therapy. I can’t even accurately say whether it helped me. But the worst part was that when my parents heard the words “your child is normal” I realized that I need a lot of strength to talk about another psychologist again. After that incident, I cried at home and told my mom I couldn’t go to school and don’t want to see anyone. I stayed at home for a week. And as I said, therapy did not give the desired effect.

Also I watched OCD Camp on BBC and I’m so thankful to these people for not making me feel so alone with my battle.

It was a full year until I had the strength to talk about the psychologist again and I was really happy that my parents found another one and they were very supportive at that time because they finally understood that there is something serious happening to me. At this time, the psychologist saved my life. After 2 years I realized I could live almost a normal life. Of course I understood that OCD will always be a part of me but it was much easier to live. I began to understand myself much better and be less worried about my family.

I entered university! I still have contamination OCD, I pray every day because I think that something bad is going to happen and it’s not very easy to communicate with others all the time so I often refuse to go out with friends because of fear. My relationship with my parents became even better and they always say that I can visit a psychologist when I need it.

Now I live a pretty quiet life, although sometimes there are panic attacks and times when my OCD is enhanced but in general I am proud of who I am now.

I highly recommend to all who are struggling with OCD to have a diary. I know not everyone likes diaries but if you take notes at least once a week you will be able to analyze your condition much better.

Just know that you are not alone and you will be able to live a very happy life!

I wish good luck to all of you and thanks one more time for this chance to tell my story!!!

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