never feel ashamed of ‘the cards you have been dealt.
Will I ever be alone?
Imagine you are sat all alone in the park,
You look around and see daylight but in your head it’s still dark. A guy sits beside you and begins to shout in your ear,
He shouts and he screams words you don’t want to hear. Why is he now telling me to repeat things that I’ve done?
I try so hard to fight him but I perform and he’s won.
His voice slowly fades; once again I’m all alone, However now I’m a little scared to be in this world on my own. How can I speak out on this secret never shared?
For this story I have to tell no-one can ever be prepared.
I open my mouth to try and shout for help from my friends, But he comes back to sit beside me and his identity he defends. He tells me I’m crazy, I believe his flowing words,
I will never be alone and once again I feel the hurt.
(the above can be found on page 107 of ‘Me and My Bully’)
My book is titled ‘Me and My Bully’ and it offers an insight into my journey with ADHD, OCD and Self-harm.
I am a 30 year old female and I began treatment in 2008 at the beginning of my FE teaching career. I was frequently becoming overwhelmed with day to day life and at the time I was unaware that I had ADHD and OCD. When receiving support it was suggested that I put my thoughts onto paper as verbalising them was far too difficult; as a result writing became a much needed outlet. Over the years my conditions began spiralling downwards, the self-harm started and the worse things became the more I would write. Now, 7 years on, I have reached a point in my life where the conditions have become manageable, they still exist but at a level that is bearable… most of the time! Now, I wish to share my story in the hope that I can inspire others to dig deep, continue their fight and to never feel ashamed of ‘the cards they have been dealt.’
Life without OCD
What would life be like without my OCD?
What would life be like if I set my bully free?
No more suicidal thoughts running through my brain,
No more searching for a knife, in search of physical pain.
What would it be like, life through someone else’s eyes?
What would it be like, to no longer ritualise?
No more checking, washing and cleaning to get to feel just right,
No more taking ages to wash so I can go to bed at night.
No more staying at home in the evening too tired to do anything else,
I really think not having a bully would be much better for my health.
I would no longer bless my food over and over in my head,
I would no longer constantly feel it would be better if I woke up dead. My hands wouldn’t be so dry because they never did feel clean,
My head wouldn’t contain a bully who would say things that were so mean. Like I’m a waste of space who constantly f**ks things up,
And the only way to solitude is if I create a little cut.
(the above can be found on page 150 of ‘Me and My Bully’)
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