OCD

Our thoughts do not define who we are

I’ve shared my story before. Back when I was suffering and didn’t know much about OCD. But it’s been a year with severe ocd. It’s been a year and I’m in recovery. So I’ll share my story in more and better detail.

All I did was have a off day, I walked into my kitchen and thought “what if there’s no spark in my boyfriend and I’s Relationship?” I panicked. “What if I lose feelings? Is this losing feelings? But I love him. Why would I?” My first OCD attack. I’ll never forget it. For weeks after that I was okay. I didn’t have obsessions or compulsions and life was well. Until I began to fall for him more. My anxiety spiked and peaked to new levels, I was having more thoughts about us which I didn’t quite get. I’d time myself on my phone and reassure myself for that amount of time. The thoughts still returned, rookie mistake. After that I’d google things like “am I lying to myself?” And one night I had an anxiety attack so big I almost left him from having intrusive thoughts . The day after it happened, I was anxious. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know why. It progressed and got worse and I realized.. I had ROCD.

I remember wanting to seek treatment the day I found out I had it. I could resonate with some of the symptoms and found that the deeper I got into it, the more and more I could relate to this little diagnosis I put on myself. So fast forward about 2 months and I’m struggling deeply with various obsessions. A thought popped out of nowhere. “What if I’m gay?” I freaked, and took an online test. It said I was straight, I knew I was. I couldn’t understand the deal! I was just worrying if I loved my boyfriend or not the day before, why the sudden sexuality issue? So I obsessed, the same way I did with my partner. And uncovered my HOCD the day I began obsessing.

To this day I worry I self diagnosed too quickly but no matter what I did it wouldn’t stop. So it’s not like I’m wrong, but I spent months worrying about everything. I avoided men and women, checked all the time, became overly concerned with things of my relationship, I was feeling crazy. So after almost a year of suffering I got ERP. It was around the 2 week mark in which I thought, “my obsessions are going down and I don’t feel a big need for compulsions.. maybe I really have OCD like I always thought”. OCD has taught me about life and love. My boyfriend and I are in the “power struggle stage and moving through it as best as we can. I have worries of my sexual orientation, but at this point I know it’s OCD. I try not to fall for its tricks. But I’ve only been doing ERP for almost a month now. So what I learned from having OCD around this is that, OCD will turn everything you love and desire against you, also that, to love someone you don’t have to feel in love or infatuated all the time.

There will be times when you’re happier than usual and you get butterflies in your stomach, and other times you’ll wanna scream. Love is in the actions we take. Our thoughts do not define who we are or how we feel. CBT also helped me see my thoughts as my neurons in the brain doing their job. So, my best advice is if you think you have OCD and you can resonate with as many things as you can think of, get therapy. It’ll change your life .

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