Podcast

My experience of the IOCDF conference in San Fran

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In episode 80 I share my experience of the IOCDF conference in San Francisco. I talk about the two podcasts I recorded in person (a first for me), and some of the things I learned from the conference. I had a wonderful time, and met so many lovely people. The spirit of the conference was inspiring, and hopeful.

UNSTUCK documentary podcast


podcast

To listen on iTunes click the button, or go to iTunes and search “The OCD Stories“. If you enjoy the podcast please subscribe and leave a review. It helps us reach more people who need to hear these remarkable stories of recovery!

You can also listen on Android and over devices through most podcast apps, such as Stitcher.

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OCD

It started as a thought of hit and run

Once upon a time in a land not far enough away, a girl was minding her business when alarm bells started ringing…

My OCD really, probably started in childhood, but for the sake of time, I’ll say it became “real” last September.  I’d even consider it to be very mild in that my OCD episode lasted less than a week, and then it was gone.  My first experience with OCD was hit and run OCD.  I drove by a bicyclist, which is pretty common here in Western NC, and almost immediately, alarm bells started ringing.  Not literally, but also sort of literally.  I remember my brain telling me that I had to go back, that I had to make sure I didn’t hurt the guy, that I needed to check on him to make sure he was safe.  Of course, I told my brain that was ridiculous and I refused to turn around.  I mean, after all wouldn’t I know if I hit someone?  My anxiety and the alarm bells just kept getting worse the further I drove.  By the time I got home, my hands were shaking and I almost couldn’t breathe for the panic that was welling up inside of me.  The logical part of my brain thought if I checked the passenger-side of my car, and I didn’t see anything like dents or scratches, then that meant I didn’t hurt anyone.  So of course, I checked my car.  And wouldn’t you know it, there was a scratch that I didn’t remember being there before.  But really, how often does a person check their car for dents and scratches, especially on the passenger side?  My brain went to anxiety overdrive.  I remember walking into my house with what felt like a completely blank stare, because in my mind I had just hit someone and left the scene of an accident.  How could I tell my husband what I had done?  Or my parents or my friends? What would they think of me?  Would they think I was a monster?  What about the general public?  In my small mountain town, the community crucifies (not literally) anyone who would dare harm a bicyclist.  Would anyone believe me that I didn’t know I hit a person?  I was so wracked with guilt, shame, and anxiety, that I made myself sick.  I couldn’t eat anything, I couldn’t focus on my homework that was due that night, and I couldn’t sleep. I probably slept two hours.  Every time I closed my eyes, I kept replaying the scenario over and over in my head.  I was trying to find some proof that I didn’t hurt anyone.  I kept telling myself I know I didn’t hurt anyone, but my brain kept asking me “Are you sure?”  Of course, we can’t just click rewind on our lives to make sure we did or didn’t do something, so I gave in to it.  I couldn’t be sure I didn’t hit the bicyclist.  Although the anxiety subsided over the week, it was one of the scariest times in my life.  I couldn’t understand why I was having anxiety and panic attacks, seemingly out of the blue.  Of course, at the time, I didn’t know OCD was anything other than hand washing and/or counting.  My husband and I had only been married for a couple of weeks when this happened, and I kept forgetting to take the “just married” sticker off my car.  After this incident, I left that sticker on my car for a solid month, for fear that when the police inevitably showed up to throw me in jail, they might think it was suspicious that I removed something that could easily identify my car as the one in the accident.  I checked local news sources every day to see if someone had reported a hit and run.  I did this for about as long as I left the sticker on my car.  I did eventually stop thinking about the hit and run that never was.  Sometimes I can tell the story and be completely fine. Other times, my anxiety kicks and my OCD likes to ask “Are you really sure though?”.

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Podcast

Developing courage for OCD Recovery & Life

In episode 79 I talk about a study done on OCD and courage. I discuss the importance of developing courage for OCD recovery and life, as well as some steps to strengthen that courage muscle. OCD Recovery Is Possible Wallpaper

 


podcast

To listen on iTunes click the button, or go to iTunes and search “The OCD Stories“. If you enjoy the podcast please subscribe and leave a review. It helps us reach more people who need to hear these remarkable stories of recovery!

You can also listen on Android and over devices through most podcast apps, such as Stitcher.

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OCD

Taking the necessary steps to recovery

My experience started when I was just a toddler, I had a massive stuffed animal collection and if anyone touched or moved it I would get a panic attack and begin to rage. I felt as if my world was going to end if they weren’t in a specific place, it progressed onto different topics as I got older. After my parents divorced I suffered from intrusive thoughts of me hurting myself. Not by suicide, but by smoking. My parents smoked around me all the time and I hated it, I had nightmares and thoughts of me smoking a cigarette and drinking alcohol which I also had an issue with.

I’d get thoughts of me stealing my mom’s cigarettes and smoking them. It was debilitating and terrible, after that came the thoughts of suicide and my own father wanting to hurt me. I’d text him and call him every night because I missed him after the divorce and I had to be sure I was okay and that he wouldn’t hurt me.

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Podcast

Intrusive Thoughts Are Like (Mean) Dogs

In episode 78 I share an analogy for intrusive thoughts. I understand things more through the use of analogies, metaphors and stories. I hope this analogy gives you some inspiration, and understanding.

Dog image


podcast

To listen on iTunes click the button, or go to iTunes and search “The OCD Stories“. If you enjoy the podcast please subscribe and leave a review. It helps us reach more people who need to hear these remarkable stories of recovery!

You can also listen on Android and over devices through most podcast apps, such as Stitcher.

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OCD

Recovery through faith and exposure

Another important thing to keep in mind is that if it feels like OCD, it IS OCD.

My name is Devin,

And I will never forget the day when it started and never relented. I was heading to class up at the university and had a strange, but distinct feeling of guilt for some reason. I thought to myself: “Ok… I don’t know why this is making me THIS bad, but whatever.” It persisted and persisted, and took all day to leave me.

As the years went on (that incident was about 7 yrs ago) I felt increasingly worse and worse about different things and never understood what was going on. In truth, it blindsided me and was a huge factor in me losing my faith at the time.

I had decided at the time that well if God was going to ‘make me’ feel this way, than forget Him. My loss of faith was more complicated than that, but this was a major factor in it. I constantly felt like if I wasn’t following each of the commandments right or perfectly, I was going to hell.

I would watch a show that had swear words or a questionable scene, and suddenly my mind would tell me I would be burning in an eternal pit of torment. I knew that maybe what I was watching wasn’t the best thing ever, but I didn’t understand why I was ‘made’ to feel so guilty about it!

To this day, I still feel horrible about doing things I shouldn’t, although now I know what’s going on in my mind, although it doesn’t make it any less horrible and tormenting. I am constantly checking Facebook posts to make sure I haven’t posted anything offensive, reviewing in my mind if I may have somehow offended someone. I am criticizing my wife when I feel like she does something I feel is dishonest and try to get her to repent of her ‘sins.’ After all, I want to save her too right?

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OCD

OCD Without Apology

Needles.

Hypodermic needles were my first fear.  The doctor’s office became home to my nightmares.  Sharp objects—knives, spears, and swords—became my first obsession.  My first compulsion was to hold a sharp object against my chin—GI Joe’s scuba knife, a Fort Apache spear, or Galahad’s tiny sword—grit my teeth, and count.

When I was 13, I needed a booster shot.  In the weeks before it happened, I developed a new obsession: glass.  I collected sharp pieces of glass from the roads and sidewalks.  I collected rusted bottle caps.  I collected sharp stones.  It had never occurred to me before, but what if a sliver of glass gets caught in a car tire, gradually sinks deeper and deeper into the tread, and finally causes a blowout on the freeway?  If I didn’t keep filling my coat pockets with the dirty little “hazards” I plucked from the ground, someone might die in a car accident.

When I was 19, I rolled out of a moving car and ran as fast and as far as I could.  It probably saved my life. If it hadn’t been for the two black eyes, the gravel embedded in my back, and the two painful head wounds beneath my bloody hair, I would not have recalled anything but a chilling scream.  I desperately wanted to remember more. I wanted to remember more when I panicked without reason and pulled my car to the side of the road, when I turned and chased the images that lurked along the dark edges of my brain, when I told the story of how I’d rolled out of a car and mysteriously wakened entangled in an electric fence.

I remembered being alone.

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Podcast

Harris Goldberg – OCD in Hollywood

In episode 77 I chat with Harris Goldberg. Harris is a director, writer and producer. He co-wrote the comedy Deuce Bigolow: Male Gigalo, and in 2007 wrote and directed the film NUMB, inspired by his own experiences of mental health.

Harris Goldberg

I had an interesting chat with Harris about many topics. We talked about using comedy as a defence mechanism, ERP, ERP advice, fear of death, depersonalization disorder, OCD triggering depersonalization, why do I have OCD vs how do I recover from it?, pushing against anxiety with ERP, and how the uncertainty of Hollywood can fuel OCD. We also discuss why Harris writes himself into his films, lifestyle changes, daily yoga, nutrition, guilt, why living a pure kind of existence was a compulsion, opening up about mental health in Hollywood, why the media gets OCD so wrong and the importance of being kind to yourself. Enjoy!


podcast

To listen on iTunes click the button, or go to iTunes and search “The OCD Stories“. If you enjoy the podcast please subscribe and leave a review. It helps us reach more people who need to hear these remarkable stories of recovery!

You can also listen on Android and over devices through most podcast apps, such as Stitcher.

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Podcast

Kimberley Quinlan – Your Anxiety Toolkit

In episode 76 I chat with Kimberley Quinlan. Kimberley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who treats people with OCD and related disorders, Eating Disorders and Body Focused Repetitive Disorders. She runs her own podcast called Your Anxiety Toolkit. Kimberley also trained at the OCD centre of Los Angeles, and later became the clinical director.

Kimberley Quinlan

In this conversation with Kimberley we chat about why OCD is highly treatable, how to know if it’s OCD or not, dealing with anxiety, self-compassion, the importance of body language, the difference between OCD and general anxiety disorder, mindfulness, and practicing non-judgement. Enjoy!


podcast

To listen on iTunes click the button, or go to iTunes and search “The OCD Stories“. If you enjoy the podcast please subscribe and leave a review. It helps us reach more people who need to hear these remarkable stories of recovery!

You can also listen on Android and over devices through most podcast apps, such as Stitcher.

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OCD

How do you know it’s right?

You can expend precious energy chasing the holy grail of 100% certainty, or you can choose to settle for 95%, or 70%, or even 20% certainty.

When I was a graduate student, I worked for months to prove the main mathematical result in my dissertation. I struggled with this proof. I churned out pages of chicken scratch calculations. I manipulated equations in my head while I ate, showered, vacuumed, and exercised. I had math dreams.

Finally, I thought I’d nailed it. It was a large and hairy beast that sprawled over many pages. I showed it to my adviser and declared, “I’m 95% sure it’s correct.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Well, you’d better be 100% sure,” he replied.

That’s when I realized that he wasn’t planning to check it himself. He was just going to trust me. And then I started to worry. What if there was an error in my proof? What if the central result in my dissertation turned out to be wrong? Could they take away my PhD? And if I got a job based on work I’d done in my dissertation, could they fire me? Would my career be ruined?

I checked my proof carefully many times. But I still couldn’t be 100% sure it was right. I knew there could be a glitch in my logic that I simply wasn’t smart enough to pick up on, no matter how many times I checked. After all, how many times had I turned in math homework – confident that my answers were correct – only to find out later that there was a major flaw in one of my solutions? And the stakes were much higher here. I asked a classmate – someone a lot smarter than me – to check my proof, and he thought it was correct. But I knew it wasn’t his dissertation or his responsibility, so I couldn’t completely trust his assurances.

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