Peadophile OCD

WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE?

I felt like I lost a huge boulder that had been sitting heavy on my shoulders and in my heart for years.

WHAT IF I’M A PAEODPHILE, WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE, WHAT IF I’M A PAEDOPHILE,what if i’m a paedophile,whatifi’mapaedophile –  fast and furious the thoughts came, every way I looked this one question that threatened my whole identity loomed large in my mind. Coupled with flashing images of naked children, things I may have potentially done to children all made me sick with the horror.

The trouble is with OCD, it’s not just one obsession that torments you. I would plead with my mind to give me something else to worry about but inevitably a new obsession would come and it would be just as awful as the last. I built up strategies to try and tear the anxiety down. The misleading thing is it would work for a while and so I would become convinced that I had finally outrun it. What I didn’t realise was that every trick, strategy and counter attack was actually just reinforcing the OCD. Every thought I suppressed, every occasion I avoided was all just fueling the OCD fire.

I first had intrusive thoughts when I was 14 years old. They started with odd contamination worries, then moved on to worrying that I may be a paedophile. Over the years, they have chopped and changed and I have lost count of the numbers of times my thoughts have made me vomit. The turning point for me was when my OCD hit me hard at work. Prior to that I’d been at school and at uni. It’s easy to have sick days, miss lectures but at work trying to hide that you’re falling apart is not such an easy task. Although I had casually mentioned to one therapist that I had this worry I might be a paedophile and I had told one sister in a desperate moment when I was 14 I had never really disclosed it properly – and certainly no one had taken it seriously before. So one night I found myself sobbing in a restaurant at my sister the true extent of my awful obsessions. Not my finest hours but to her credit she took it very well and went off home and did some research.

I was convinced that my sister was never going to look at me in the same way again but what she came back with baffled me. She was convinced I had OCD and that I should seek CBT treatment. I thanked her kindly but argued that I knew better, that I really was just an awful person and that there was probably very little anyone could do to help me. It was no good I was just going to have to avoid people from now on to ensure that no one came to any harm. Hope got the better of me though and so I looked at OCD UK. Suddenly everything started to fall into place. The thoughts, the intense anxiety, the compulsions. All OCD!

That was the beginning of the end for me. I started CBT with ERP and also began a daily mindfulness practice. Learning that my thoughts weren’t facts really was the mind blowing thing of all. I felt like I lost a huge boulder that had been sitting heavy on my shoulders and in my heart for years. Recovery is not easy or simple. It requires patience, self-compassion and humor. There will be moments (ahem hours) of extreme anxiety but if you can manage that you can manage anything.

Wishing you all well in your recovery.

Emily

My blog: dreamstobeanxietyfree.wordpress.com

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3 Comments

  • Reply egg March 19, 2016 at 2:35 am

    I can relate and thank you that you are a female who is going through this aswel….its rare for a female and i hate that i have to go through this and people looking at me like im a monster(when im not what they think i am). It has gotten worser and its taking the peace away from me and at home (living with my older sister and twin sis and nephews and inlaws..). Because of this i have been falsely accused of molesting my young nephews. This is my worst nightmare come true. This result has made me more distant and withdrawn and anti social(i was already painfully shy and quiet as it is)..but it has made me sometimes hating my nephews when they make it easy for others to assume im being weird to them(which in turn makes me unfortunately beat them up, when they get me angry). I still feel like my inlaws still think im guilty for something i didnt do or would ever do…its my sick thoughts that make me think im guilty. I have confronted them on it and felt better letting out what i felt they thought i was(them thinking im a child molester)…because i sensed that they didnt trust me with the kids…but i still feel like they talk bad about me and i get paranoid that they are trying to put cameras in thw house to get proof or something. This has made me a burden living under my older sisters roof, if i kept getting angry and being hostile towards my inlaws and being negative and paranoid and stuff(or dont gwt a job or go college or do something in life instead of hiding in the house and.going on my phone)…she will have to kick me out or i have to live with another family member(my energy is draining). I dont have a job, so i help out by doing chores and babysitting the kids. I get anxiety of watching my nephews (not because i think i would do anything..but because i feel people would think im doing something inappropriate). i care too much what people think of me and hate it when people think im a pedophile/child molester(because i act uncomfortable around people and expecially around kids). I hate that people judge me and assume im something horrible like that…confusing my shyness, naiveness, being a loner, quiet and awkwardness as something bad, something that i wouldn’t commit or have intentions too. I feel like im walking on eggshells…i have lots of intrusive thoughts about alot of things and i wish they would go away….i treat my family like strangers. I feel like when i go in public…people are judging me and thinking i would harm their kids or alot of nasty things. I have overheard people say mean and nasty things about me…it sucks and i rather just hide from the world and not be around people and them misunderstanding me and thinking my actions are shifty. I dont have money to get therapy and my older sister always complain that i need help and that she doesnt know what to do with me. Im 23 and im stuck and a lost cause. I have a twin sis and she is the opposite of me and doesnt have this like i do. I get jealous of her because she has life more put together then i do. I feel my neighbors think im weird like that and i hate that people are so judgemental and i know they are just caring about the safety of their kids…but it makes me mad that people can make you feel like you dont deserve to live..just because i am not nurturing or whatevers but question me. I know that they are just being protective..but how am i to live and.move forward if i feel im not wanted or belong in where i live at…if people are just going to think im those people(who actually do bad things)…i just trying to do my own thing..but i instead stat at home…away from this cold cruel world.. I just want to be ok with myself and not have to feel like im a monster. Everytime i see something related to that…i get uncomfortable and cant breathe and feel like people are looking at me…i try to search this up and try to figure out what am i….i need professional help to figure alot of things out. Because its not only this that i suffer with. I dont know…im scared that i am a pedo…i dont think im a 100 percent but i feel that there has to be a grain of salt of truth to why it bothers me and why i think abput it everyday. I dont do what pedophiles do…but i would look at a pic of a child and think “you looked at a child, so your guilty”.. I cant look at child in a movie or show or whatevers…because i would feel that would make me a pedo. Its rare and unlikely for a female to be a pedo and i hate that this is what is apart of my life. I like guys/females my age and older and even guys younger then me(but because of these thoughts…i feel like no one would accept me or like me if these are the sick things i be thinking). I feel its worse when a chick is a pedo because we are suppose to be trusted and nurturers of the world and since im very cold and not nurturing…i feel then that must be, that im a pedo. I feel i even look like one too…i have a double chin, sleepy big eyes and ugly thin curved lips and a weird crooked small nose and i look like a lesbian dyke pudgy virgin who is desperate. So i can see why people would think the worst of me…because i think the worst of myself and i invite them to spit on me. Im getting older and im doing nothing to deal with this issue and there are times i have thought suicide(but problem with that is i dont believe in taking ones life, lol i bet there are some people who wish i did..since they think im a monster).. I dont make it easy for people to think im not that…i walk funny and always get scared easily and get jumpy and am anti-social. But one thing that makes me know that i am not one…is that i dont do what pedos do…i dont look for it…i try to avoid it but the more i try to avoid it, the more i just make it worse. Society really hates pedophiles and it sucks that this is what i feel like i am…either that or its pocd(intrusive thoughts)…maybe its both, idk but i dont like it and i dont want it and my life would be sooo much easier if i didnt have this issue. :'[

    • Stuart Ralph
      Reply Stuart Ralph March 21, 2016 at 2:20 pm

      Thanks for your comment. I’m glad the story helped and you could relate.

      I highly recommend seeing a therapist if you want this to get better. Google search your area for a cognitive behavioural therapist (CBT) or acceptance and commitment (ACT) therapist who is experienced in OCD.

      Recovery is hard but it’s worth it. Focus on seeing a therapist and read some books on OCD!

      Stu

  • Reply Maternal OCD & facing the monster head on | The OCD Stories May 18, 2016 at 11:05 am

    […] I panicked ‘why did I think that?’ What’s wrong with me, I must be a monster a peadophile… I went into major panic, ruminating, over thinking , every horrible thought you could […]

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