Childhood to Adulthood OCD

My name is Skyler. And I have had OCD as long as I can remember.

My dad was the first person to start calling me “OCD”. Before I even knew what it meant. With some of my compulsions being obvious to him since I was little. Such as: making sure closet doors are closed all the way, excessive and often aggressive eye blinking, excessive stretching and contorting of my limbs. Particularly my arms and wrists. Picking up pieces of paper or trash off of the carpet, repeatedly touching things or checking things, making sure adjacent objects are flush with each other, (books, dvds, cd’s, toys, cards) flipping light switches on and off and looking at the clock every 30 seconds.

Most of my compulsions I had as a child, come and go. Or have faded in intensity over time.

The only compulsions that have become more severe with age have been the stretching and especially the blinking… which causes me daily headaches and eye pain.
Now onto the real problem…. the obsessions.

As a child, my obsessions were the smaller half of my OCD. With my compulsions being in the spotlight..

But as I entered adulthood, my obsessions began to increase in severity, complexity and frequency.  Until arriving at a point where they rule my life from the moment I open my eyes.

When I was 18, I had a dream about killing my mother. I woke up in a total panic and couldn’t stop thinking about it and couldn’t calm down enough to go back to sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream and questioning why I would have had it for weeks. It eventually turned into a full-blown obsession that has lasted for years. Worrying that some subconscious part of me wants to hurt my mother. This obsession evolved into me worrying that I will one day lose my mind or “go crazy” and kill someone. I especially worry that I will kill or hurt someone I love.

I became an atheist as a teenager. 3 years ago I started having an obsession that I will one day grow old and suddenly become some bible-thumping-religious fanatic, out of fear of approaching the end of my life. I think this obsession is just another form of me worrying that I will one day “go crazy”

I regularly struggle to enjoy things that I like or have even loved for years (a favorite band, movie, or video game) I start to obsess on thoughts like: “What if I actually hate this? What if I’m just trying to force myself to like this? What if I stop liking music all together one day?” It makes it very hard to fully enjoy whatever I’m doing when I’m having these thoughts.

An obsession that comes and goes is an occasional fear that I might be racist or that I might suddenly become racist. I have to tell myself that the thought is absurd and I have to remind myself that some of my best friends are a different race than I am, in order to ground myself back in reality.

As a child, my dad’s girlfriend had two daughters that were close in age to me. So we grew up playing together. The daughters liked to play “fashion show” and I didn’t like to be left out, so I would let them put me in drag. I always had fun dressing up like a woman, as a kid. As I entered adulthood, I developed an obsessive fear that I might be transgender. I never felt like I was a girl. I was always just a boy, playing pretend. It never had anything to do with my gender identity or my sexual orientation. It was just FUN. And I have to constantly remind myself these things and go in a circle in my head to remind myself that I am not transgender.

And this leads to my obsession that I am gay. Or that I will suddenly “turn gay”
The biggest trigger for this obsession is when I see a female I’m attracted to. If a girl naturally turns my head, I immediately start to obsess and question it. “Am I really checking her out right now? Or am I just pretending in order to convince myself that I’m not gay?” Of course when I do this, it completely distracts my attention from her and diminishes the organic attraction I was feeling. Which I then misinterpret for being evidence of homosexuality. This has made me have to look deep inside myself and question my sexuality many times. But every time I have done this, I have come up with the same answer: I am very attracted to women. I have been my whole life. I have never once looked at a man in the same way I look at women every day of my life. I have been in many relationships with women and I have never even considered being in a relationship with a man. But regardless of me being 100 percent sure of my sexuality… I have this obsessive fear that one day something will change and I will suddenly stop being attracted to women. I think this thought bothers me as much as it does, because of how much I adore women.

So that is my OCD in a nutshell. I have read some very inspirational stories on this site and some stories have helped me feel like I’m not alone and like I’m a little less crazy, knowing other people are going through the same thing I am.

I hope my story helps you in some way.

Thanks for reading.

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