Intrusive Thoughts

It started with a thought

Hello My Name is Martin Garcia and I’m 20 years old (College Student). It all started in January of 2017. I was watching the show “The Excorist” and I remember in that show there was a daughter killing her mom and it was a cliff hanger and I finished the whole season of that show. After watching that show, an hour later I was watching some wrestling and I got hungry and I go to the kitchen and now it’s like 2 in the morning and I didn’t want to get yelled at by my parents so my plan was to get something to eat and run to my room. I go get an orange, since I don’t have nails, I took a knife because I didn’t know how to peel it. I’m going to the hallway and I see my parent’s room because it’s rarely closed and I was thinking “why is it closed?” and I just had a thought, one of me killing my mom and I had this feeling where I only get it when I want to do stupid stuff like jumping from couches and doing wrestling moves, and I got that daring feeling to do that to my mom so then I got scared because I first thought I was possessed but then I shook it off because I thought it wasn’t real, so next I called my girlfriend and she tells me it’s real. That’s when it really started because I didn’t sleep that day and it just was in my mind. I was waiting for it to go away but it didn’t and it lasted a while before I told my parents, it literally lasted a week before I told my parents and then the next day was the worst ever. I ended up in the emergency room and I talked to the crisis team and they helped out a little. There were days when I couldn’t take it because I had the urge to do it and I would cry at times because my life went through hell, I would still go to school but there is times when I couldn’t because of my head hurting and thoughts but I toughed it out.

So after that I went to Psychiatrist and had offered Prozac and Olanzapine and Honestly that made me feel worst, so I told him to change it to zoloft and he did. I felt a lot of better but I ended up changing psychiatrists and she put me on zoloft but more dosage. Its been better lately because I have the support of my girlfriend, she got me through it and gave me hope.

So I was just so deeply in love with her. We had a great weekend out of town and it was amazing, and well I came back home because she had to stay over there because of family reasons and well she had an ex-boyfriend that lives over there and my fear is losing her and there were times where I almost broke up because I didn’t want her to be with a guy like me and suffer with me. So that whole week she was gone, I was depressed, and well my thoughts were telling me to break up with her, then it was saying she was ugly and kinda looks like a man but it’s not true because she is beautiful. Hopefully it’s the medicine or my OCD because I love her and she is the greatest thing that has happened to me like ever because she stood by my side though thick through thin and well she is my motivation to recover and she gives me strength and she will always be beautiful no matter what!!!! I’m going to marry that girl one day.

Well I’m better than before but still have intrusive thoughts but not as bad but I have been going through therapy (CBT) and taking zoloft. The only thing that would make me happy is seeing my girlfriend like I use too and I will marry that girl one day.

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