I hope that all of you reach the path of loving yourself
My irrational anger, frustration, and thinking
I feel like I am drowning into nothingness. Like all the efforts in the world are worthless, and that I will be a nobody forever. I feel like I will be forever unhappy, I will be forever failing in every single goddamn thing that I do, and that whatever I do will never be worth it. I want to just run away from people, tell them that my mistakes, my failings don’t define who I am. I really, really really wish I could be anybody but myself. I feel unhappy, but I don’t know why. I feel lonely, but I don’t know why. I have everything in the world that I could want, and yet I am unsatisfied. What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? I am studying at least 5 hours a day, needing to make sure that every single grade of mine is great, and it’s only in the 80’s range. Why, why, why, can’t I be perfect. All I want is to be perfect and to be like everybody else who just gets 99 by studying 2-3 hours a day. I really, really really really wish I was like everybody else. OCD is a very common anxiety disorder. Sometimes, when people talk to me, I literally, can’t concentrate on what they are saying because my mind is filled with these thoughts. I feel like I need to stab myself, or do something, anything, to make myself perfect.
I need to be perfect because I feel like I am inadequate human being. I don’t get good grades, I have trouble connecting with people and making friends, and I am not good at anything else. I have made friends with people before, and it usually ended up with the relationship breaking, or them getting mad at me, or not liking me. Since I am always going to be a failure to everybody else around me, I can’t do anything if nobody cares. If nobody can have the ability to care about me, then the only damn person left to give a sh** about what happens to me is myself. The only person I have to respect is myself, and I have to do everything to make sure that I am successful.I have heard of many people who have been very successful, but have ended up with regrets of loneliness and unhappiness. Going to Harvard is not a recipe for happiness. At this point, I just feel so lost, with no direction, not understanding why I am trying to study 5 hours a day, and I just want to be is happy. Out of all of the things in the world, why can’t I be happy?
I sat down with my therapist, and I am telling him the reasons why I am feeling lonely, my frustrations with not being happy my anxieties, etc.. I am not saying that the sessions are not useful, but I basically feel like, (I AM SAYING FEEL LIKE) getting repeat sessions about how not having excellent grades is a guarantee for failure in life, and how these thoughts are irrational thoughts. IT FEELS LIKE I already know why I am feeling these emotions that I am feeling, but I still don’t understand why I can’t stop feeling unhappy. Next time, he said that he was going to expose me to failure, by letting me look at my grades, and by trying to make my mind believe that grades don’t determine success or happiness. It just feels hopeless, because it feels like I know the remedy, but I am just not reaching it for some reason. Maybe I don’t know the remedy and that’s what therapy is. You might not notice it at first.
I am writing this post with the intention of posting it online, but I am writing it with the intention of venting our anger and frustration. It’s not for the complete purpose of writing a quality post, so I am really sorry if I am ranting on and on completely.
(Typing this later) Rational Truth:
I feel a lot better. Life has always been pretty good. I have a lot of really good things. I have an education, a family, a house, a mom that cooks really good food, why am I feeling this way? I want just a happy pill, that I can pop in my mouth, that can just instantly cure my depression. I have been feeling this way since I was 11, and I don’t feel like I have been happy ever since. My brain is tired.All my life, I have been chasing after thoughts and beliefs, and realizing years later, that they have been such a waste of time. I’ll probably be realizing years later, that having 2 hours of sleep every day, was not a worthwhile sacrifice. Once you have those thoughts, you get hypnotized into believing it, and you don’t even realize it.
There are probably many of you, that probably suffered from life depression, or OCD symptoms, for many,many, many years. I am writing out this first part of the post, to vent out my anger, to see what my mind can hold. I usually like to write posts, that have a positive opinion from my perspective, but this doesn’t really have one. I feel like my OCD side has taken control over me, covering my world. Although I can still see the truth, the cloud is over me. Do you get what I am saying? I don’t see the light, and I am sorry. I know it’s there, I just feel cold and lonely, not matter what happens. Everybody goes through these emotions of helplessness (although their fears are not worth worrying), and that’s okay. I hope that all of you can work through your dark and stormy days with me.
There is one truth that I realize, though, no matter how much mental suffering I go through, is that nobody can tell you who you really are. Don’t let anybody undermine your ability to succeed in life. Your teachers, your parents, your friends, your OCD, or anything else that you have loved. If they say that you have no ability to succeed in anything,to become anything, then they can all screw off, and go off in their own world their own way. You won’t let people tell you who you are, what you can do, or who you will be. You will do whatever it takes to travel the road you want to go because you have every damn right to do so. Maybe people just see things differently from you, and that’s why people think you are wrong. But once you show the world how you feel, and who you are, you will change how people think.
Also, another important thing that you should know, something I don’t always don’t realize this too, is that life is not over if there are people ahead of you in certain aspects. You can always try to get ahead of them in other aspects that you find important. Normally, people aren’t really good at everything. So if you suck at something, work on something that you have a really strong foundation upon, and work towards it. As you are eating away at your expectations, how good do you want to get, in how many aspects? What is the point in the choices that you are making to get to the top in the first place? Does that mean that success really matters in the first place? What does, and what life goal do you want to follow? What road can you take that can lead you to happiness?
The road that I am going to take is not starving myself, in order to do work. Not harming my health in order to do school work. Not to care about teacher recommendations, and make decisions on what I want to learn based on what I honestly know about myself. I am not going to take classes,based on what a college thinks of me because nobody can define my intelligence, my commitment, how I think, and whether or not I will be successful. I am not going to chase my life after all of the mistakes that I have made to people. in order to regain their love and friendship. All I have to do is say sorry, and tell them that I care about them. That is because I have to have enough confidence in myself that I tried to do the right thing, and that I am a good person. Not being up to their status in their opinion is their problem.It matters how you think of yourself, and nothing else, because you have control over your own world.
If you are going through the same emotions that I am going through, give me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. I don’t like to be lonely. Reach out to my blog at ocdtalk.com, where we can share stories, struggles, and fight against the mental hardships with OCD. I hope that all of you reach the path of loving yourself. I hope that I could’ve made a difference.