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My personal opinion on the OCD treatment is find a therapist and if medication is suggested give it a go, you will save a lot of time and feel much better
My name is George
This is another OCD story, I’ve been diagnosed and receiving cognitive and medical therapy for one year now. My ocd adventure is not a success story (apologies if I have disappointed you). I’ve been failing at everything my whole life and had the worst of luck, I didn’t developed any social skills due to my social phobia and the fact that from the excessive criticism I got from my friends, family, teachers, relatives etc. had caused me to be bothered with the life of others and often compare my-self to them as me the dysfunctional human specimen and them having the greatest physical features and achievements that I could never reach. My school grades were awful and yet for the very few A’s I got I again got criticism for not having many and only on easy subjects.
My first panic attack happened when I was 16 years old when I had my GCs and more specifically the day of the speaking exams, I was trembling from the time I woke up till a few hours after I left the examination room. It was the same time when my compulsions with door handles were manifested. I finished high-school with almost no recollection of good times and then I joined the army for 2 years a duty that was mandatory but also a period of my lifetime which damaged and scarred me for life due to the strict rules that we had to follow and on the first year intrusive thoughts were manifested. As soon as I got out of the army I went for auditions to an undergraduate music course where I failed and my parents forced me to take the exams for becoming a policeman and when I failed on purpose they forced me to join a university following a computer engineer course where I again failed from the 1st semester. On the following September I started a course on environmental sciences after having a test on professional orientation which pointed the type of careers that I could follow with my skills.
Through the years of my studies I’ve experienced depression from low grades, intrusive thoughts and compulsions were getting worse and affected my social life and my behaviour to girls, whenever the intimacy had been on the right levels I got neurotic and scared the crap out of her (it’s funny I know). I started questioning my sexuality, guilt that came from intrusive thoughts made me extremely anxious I can recall the feelings while I’m writing this. The most distinctive manifestation of OCD was when I was writing my coursework essays, I was so perfectionist and afraid of failing that 99% on my undergraduate academical career I started writing the essays one day before the deadline. The times I tried to resist to procrastination the fear was crippling I couldn’t move my hands, or control my concentration for studying I didn’t have the control, but I was still blaming myself, it was the way I was born and raised, it’s my freakin’ genes fault and all the people I had the bad luck of meeting in my life and said exactly the things I didn’t want to hear. Of course I didn’t mention that while now I’m 25 years old I started balding at 21, and it wasn’t just it, people were mean about it, why insulting such a young person for that particular matter, I mean, gosh man is self-explanatory do I have to write it down or spell it for you; and I started being obsessive about it by checking my hairline constantly and feeling depressed and anxious about it?! Short talk I started hair loss therapies but already my crown area became like an empty water pond (its ok if you want to laugh). Things got worse and I started searching Google and reading e-books about mental illnesses things showed clearly that is OCD, but i wasn’t sure yet, I was studying about disorders for the next 2 years until I couldn’t take it anymore and with a lot of anxiety and fear I was able to tell my mother about my problem and despite she is only a high school graduate she showed compassion and understanding and she accepted to help me and pay the therapy. I started almost immediately with my therapist who was a psychiatrist with the cognitive and the medical therapy.
After 3 months I was feeling much better and I decided to apply for a postgraduate were I was accepted (god knows why with my shitty grades and by the way my undergraduate bachelor was a 2.2) away from my family in another country and as things got better something else started to happen. I call it overconfidence, after so many years of mental pain I believed I deserved it but I think it turned me to a little bit narcissist and thinking that “I can do”. I started failing on my essays again while I have managed to battle procrastination. I have no idea what is happening, my therapist has no idea I visited a second therapist he said I must continue my therapy with the previous one. What is happening, why I tend to overestimated my abilities, is like the wheel had turned but it was a 360 degrees turn and it hit be on the back of my head. Currently I’m three months from finishing my post graduate and most of my recent assignments were not marked whereas the others are below 40. I’m not looking for someone to tell me the ultimate solution or anyone to give my burden to, but I’ve come to an impasse, I feel that failure is knocking on my door and the money that were spent for tuition and accommodation fees will be wasted and that my parents will start screaming at me.
P.S. Bare in mind that English is not my first language and if you find it difficult to read my story then feel free to tear your eyes apart, I won’t be offended I have spell-checked on my side. Cheers!
Hey George, I think you would benefit greatly from watching some of Mark Freeman’s Videos on You Tube, Everybody Has A Brain.
Hang in there mate.
Great advice Scott!
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Hi, I don’t know if this comment is helpful or not. If it is, embrace it, if it’s not, put it on the trash or maybe some parts will be and you can take those into account. English isn’t my first language either, so if there are some mistakes, forgiveme i’m not perfect and I think nobody else is, besides I’m tired to pretend that I am and most of the time I’m the only one that notice my mistakes (it took years to reach that conclusion). Because I am a perfectionist, my worst is still above averrage (warning, there is a trap here) We are not born complete, with experience and time we complete ourselves and sometimes parents don’t understand this and choses the wrong schools and the wrong metods for us to learn, and doesn’t gi e us any time. They try to put us in this square where we don’t fit thinking that is the best for us because they don’t know better, because they lack the tools. But you see a lot of people don’t fit in some way or another you can accept it or not, sometimes they never notice they don’t fit and live happily ever after. I kind of envy them. If you really don’t fit and nobody thaught you how to deal with that then you are in big trouble, and it gets scary because you think you are alone and only happens to you. Good news now a days, in theory, you don’t have to fit if you don’t want to and there are a lot of people that can help you if you let them. You have a choice, to forgive others ignorance or blame them for their faults. If you choose forgiveness, then it gets worse because your mistakes are all you own (I don’t like to make mistakes, and I have been judged enough) so it freezes you decision making. Once I heard a CEO of a big company saying that one in three decisions is always a mistake so the only thing you have to know is when the mistake really matters. That helped a lot.
In this story I am reading about an intelingent and brave man, who got the wrong education, but is loved, who is instrospective and capable even if he doesn’t agree, who has asked for help and is frustated with himself because he is in a standstill. Well, the fear that I’m fighting right now is the fear of achievement. Many times I have done things consciusly and unconsciusly so things don’t end the way I really want them to end. It is quite frustating to know that you are capable, that you have the tools and that you are good enough just to stop a step before the line you have drawn that can change the way you look at yourself. Just think about it.
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