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Anxiety, OCD

OCD Wanted it, Not Me

The things that I took away from the weekend were that OCD is just OCD

I will start by telling you that it seems like most of our stories start the same way. Something traumatic happened in our brain during a certain point in our life and we paid attention. That is the way I see my story at least and perceive it in others as well. I remember the time when my journey started and the thought that shocked my system. I remember all the thoughts and feelings that came afterwords but as I continue on my journey they are slowly going back to seeds in my subconscious and not the blooming garden of flowers they once were.

I will spare you of all the thoughts and experiences that I have had since that day 6 years ago. I will tell you that I have had GAD for most of my life and never thought much of it. These in my eyes were just fears that I had as a child/young man growing up that scared me. I will however give you an experience of a recent event that happened in hopes that it shows how OCD is OCD, an anxiety disorder.

Ever since the young man killed innocent or not innocent people at the movie theater in Colorado, I have had trouble taking my son to the movies. I remember taking my son to the new Star Wars movie only to have a thought of worry if someone was in there and would do the same. This thought would give any one anxiety but again most don’t pay attention. I’m sure your therapist has said that numerous times when describing how you’re normal. During that movie it was difficult due to the pressure the anxiety put on my chest to breath and sounds growing louder than normal because of the heightened since of awareness. There was a point when we had to leave so I could regroup, but I went back in and finished the movie. I had a choice and I know deep in my soul that to be defeated by a uncontrolled thought would take me in the wrong direction.

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So much better than I was

I am so much better than I was in January of last year.

In August of my 8th grade year, my health teacher showed a video about OCD in class. Little did I know, in about 4 months, that would be me.

It was my reality. I never dreamed about having OCD. I never asked for OCD for Christmas. I never expected this sweet little nightmare.

In January of my 8th grade year, I started performing rituals at night to make sure I didn’t hear any unexpected Noise at night. It caused me great distress. On January 30, 2015 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.

2 weeks later, on February 15, 2015, I was hospitalized for extreme insomnia and severe depression. What I really needed was compassionate care. What I got was abuse and neglect. I had no privacy, no way to sustain my ritual, and worst of all, no care at all from staff. My best friends in the hospital were fellow patients. I was discharged February 18. The next day, I saw my therapist for the first time. She was amazing and she would soon become my best friend.
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