But with the right help and support I know I can get better.
I was always been a different child, I obsessed over a lot of things that other kids wouldn’t. I believed that if I didn’t pray a certain amount of times, someone I loved would die. This was scary to deal with at such a young age. I would obsess over things and get worked up about things. Eventually my OCD grew, it manifested itself into everything in my life. As I started high school my OCD got unbearable. It took up my life I couldn’t function normally, I couldn’t even walk into a room without my mind telling me “don’t go in that room or someone will get hurt”. Things that I used to love became meaningless, I didn’t find joy from anything anymore.
I started going to therapy and soon started CBT. It was hard at first to open up to someone and let them know about my thoughts. I struggle with intrusive thoughts, these thoughts are so real to me sometimes I can’t tell what’s real and what’s in my mind. These thoughts revolve around harming people I love. I believed that once I had this thought it would come true. This is so scary for me because I take responsibility for everything. I started self harming because I felt worthless, like I needed to punish myself for being a bad person. I got sent away to a psychiatric hospital when I was 14, this was so scary. I didn’t like it at all, I felt alone and my self harm got worse after being in hospital. I ended up being discharged from hospital as they believed it wasn’t the right environment for me.
I was difficult for some of the staff to deal with due to my autism and ADHD that caused me to be very angry. In the following months I attempted suicide 3 times and ended up getting kicked out of school for a bit due to self harm behaviour. I’d hit rock bottom, everyday I would wake up and wish I didn’t. I would stay in bed all day, I wouldn’t eat or sleep, I didn’t see the point in doing anything. I continued going to therapy, this was hard because I’d lost all hope of things getting better. The guilt I carried around was unbearable. I truly believed I was responsible for everyone’s health and wellbeing. Normal things that people find easy were very difficult for me, it’s like I have a voice in my head constantly telling me what to do. Convincing me I’m a monster and I don’t deserve to be alive. I feel like everything I touch I destroy. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m constantly in conflict with myself. I have days when I can barely get out of bed my mind is racing with these horrible thoughts.
At the moment I’m taking time off school, I’m doing dialectical behavioural therapy and I’m soon starting CBT again. I have the right meds and I’ve been clean for 27 days. At the moment I’m feeling much more hopeful and I’m on the road to recovery. I can’t say I’ll be this positive forever because my outlook on life changes everyday. Some days my OCD isn’t that bad and I’m glad to be alive and other days my OCD is horrible and I go downhill. But with the right help and support I know I can get better. I just have to keep telling myself I’m not a terrible person, I just have a condition that makes me believe I am. I hope one day I can be at peace with myself and know I haven’t hurt anyone.