Stories

The OCD Nightmare

What I’ve learned from therapy is that I shouldn’t feel guilty for having these thoughts or feelings, because they do not define me.

My name is Lorena and I have been fighting OCD for 2 years and a half. I was 18 years old when my “first” intrusive thought made its appearance. I put “first” because it turned into an obsession, but since I began therapy I know everyone has intrusive thoughts here and there, but, us OCD sufferers, take them seriously.

My first obsession came after I had a nightmare, as soon as I woke up my body was filled with anxiety and my mind with a fear of being possessed by the devil. You see, “The Exorcist” wasn’t exactly one of my favorite movies.. and the OCD sure had a great time replaying countless of all the exorcism scenes I’ve seen. I went to talk to a priest who reassured me that it was nothing of that nature, but the thought still didn’t leave. I lived with this obsession for almost a year. I felt horrible because I would always pray, and if my prayer didn’t feel right or if I didn’t feel God’s presence I was doomed. I had to pray again.. It had to feel right.

Then, this obsession got its butt kicked by HOCD, then TOCD, then Harm OCD, and ROCD.

I am 20 years old now, and sometimes I get a mixture of obsessions at the same time but I have gotten better. I still have my setbacks, but I just started therapy this year. It took me 2 years of suffering to actually speak up and tell my parents that I needed it.  I practice mindfulness, and feeling present again is my greatest achievement. I wasn’t able to live my life properly, I was reacting and fighting silently with my mind 24/7.

What I’ve learned from therapy is that I shouldn’t feel guilty for having these thoughts or feelings, because they do not define me. In the words of my therapist, “Whatever you’ve done, or whatever you’ve felt and thought, do not mark a destiny” those words hit home. Do not feel guilty, work on what you know you are. Have trust in yourself.

Thank you to all the OCD community, because I wouldn’t have been able to take courage without reading any of your stories.

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