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As an OCD sufferer myself, it’s only really gotten to this point of overly obsessive and compulsive behaviour in the past two years. I realised it was OCD last year, after constantly beating myself up about being obsessed with embarrassing things. I experienced very mild OCD when young, with “do this or that would happen”, but it faded and I never really took notice. It’s only when it took the form of disturbing and distressing thoughts did I realise something wasn’t right. Even though the thoughts didn’t instigate any compulsions at first, the compulsions eventually became a way of relieving the distress brought on by these thoughts. And as you know I’m sure, as soon as I thought I was over something, the OCD has already jumped to another part of my life. For one period I didn’t want to sit on the tube, the next period I couldn’t get out of bed because I couldn’t rid a thought. Often the thoughts are hard to shake because they make me doubt my beliefs. Which is the hardest part to overcome.
Over the past 2 weeks I discovered The OCD stories on the podcast app, and it’s changed my life. I can’t even list the positive messages here as there are so many. The guests who share their experiences – from onset to recovery – really have brought this way of life into perspective. For some time now, to get my mind away from thoughts and compulsions I have written poems at times that my mind would usually wander (the underground, buses, a queue etc). They’re really true to what I go through, and now I know what many OCD sufferers go through as well. Sometimes there’s a light, and then there’s a slump. But it’s all about focusing on long term recovery. While small steps to start with are hard, the most powerful thing is to know that beneath all the OCD malarkey I know who I am and what I believe in. It’s then up to me to use that power and stop the compulsions.
I encourage all OCD sufferers, early and long-standing, to foster their mind into something creative. After all, we definitely have the most creative minds out there!
Below are some of my poems, enjoy.
This Demon OCD
Forget, ignore, discredit the intrusion.
A motto more said than heard.
All I see is a blur of myself,
From a mindset that suddenly turned.
What’s real, what’s fake in this thinking zone?
Somehow I fail to know.
Redo redo till redoing is done,
And my mind has finally let go.
What bothers me most is I know what I’m doing,
I see me through all I’ve destroyed.
Belief in myself is all I can trust,
By ignoring that negative void.
Others look different, inspiring my thought,
How is it they don’t have these fears?
They must have these fears; it’s how we’re all made,
But the rest of them choose not to care.
I lie to myself, then believe what I’ve said.
It’s a dangerous trap to find.
How easily one can forget what one thinks,
It’s like each moment my brain just rewinds.
I saw myself changing, and allowing it all.
I knew the whole time it was wrong.
But the ease that I felt from not challenging this,
Is what led me to change all along.
The things that never had been so scary,
The things I’d always let pass.
Suddenly became the things that controlled me,
As I walked around blinded and masked.
There’s a barrier so strong it can freeze me still,
From just breathing and living a day.
But by knowing the barrier is my own scheming mind,
I can make this all go away.
So close the door, turn away, and forget,
It’s about ignoring the thoughts exist.
Learn to accept that you can’t try to stop them,
But there’s no need to let them persist.
They’re not my thoughts, not a single one.
My beliefs are challenged by me.
Don’t redo, repeat, or allow them to win.
It’s the demon called OCD.
The Fall and Rise of OCD
Finally I see the light in front,
The nail hit on the head.
I think, but I don’t once react,
Just move right on instead.
So many theories behind my brain,
I’ve used them to fight the war.
The mindsets I’ve had to take on board,
I don’t need them anymore.
I should mention too it’s not being evil,
Nor forgetting those I love.
But rather it’s remembering myself,
And who I want to become.
I won’t waste my time nor brain space,
To house these untrue feelings.
Because redoing life a step at a time,
Keeps me stuck below this ceiling.
Each time I don’t react the same,
I prove myself to me.
So next time I won’t feel the need,
To remake that cup of tea.
The Onset Paradox
The thoughts they find a way to start,
Yet I start them off myself.
So at those times I let them in,
I know with those demons I’ve dealt.
So know no mercy to these things,
They’ll come and go like trains.
Let go, step back and know yourself,
Because doubt will drive me insane.
Like little balls of toxic waste,
They’ll float around my brain.
And if just one ball can interact,
It has some scope to stay.
It’s useful when you know the pattern,
You Think, Process, React.
When you think it’s all ok somehow,
The compulsions bring you back.
The things in life we treasure most,
Are the things we most protect.
Yet we end up creating much more damage,
From that motivation’s effect.
I feel as if, when I ignore,
It’s like I just don’t care.
But actually it’s just short-term worry,
So in the long-term I’ll lose fear.
Each step you take, each action you make,
Is never a means to an end.
Be present with all these moments themselves,
Only you know what exactly you felt.
Just think about the truest truth,
Both in your brain and heart.
For this is what we all must seek,
When thoughts tear us apart.