Parenting With Intrusive Thoughts

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If you want to feel better you will need to face your fears

Hello I am 37 years old and have been struggling with OCD since 2012.

I have always been a worrier.  Before I knew I had OCD, I would worry about almost everything.  I remember trying to call my mother and she would not answer.  In my mind I would think that something bad must have happened to her.  Maybe my step dad must have murdered her.  I would keep calling and calling almost every 10 minutes until she answered.  I never knew I had OCD.  To me it was just normal worrying.  I would drop off my daughters (5 and 6) at school through the drive through drop off and I would drive around school to make sure they made it in.  If for some reason I would not see one of my daughters in school after dropping them off, I would worry and feel as if I would faint.  I would then call school to make sure that my daughter was in class.

One day in summer I was overwhelmed and really stressed.  I had taken a vacation to spend time with my daughters and booked the whole week with activities for us to do.  One day we were scheduled to go to the pool.  The heat was terrible.  I didn’t drink much water that day.  That day I started feeling sick, my body was weak, but I still kept going.  I remember the sweat running  down my back.  Later that afternoon I decided to go to the gym, I took my dauthers with me and left them at the kiddy day care.  One of my daughters was thirsty so I gave her my water bottle. After the gym we went back home and it was time to cook dinner.  The AC in my apartment was not working, my apartment was like 90 degrees.  I still decided to cook.  While I was cooking I began to feel the sweat drop down my back.  I soon started to feel dizzy and confused.  I told my husband that I was not feeling well and he told me to take a nap.  I laid down in bed and felt my heart palpitating really fast.  I didn’t know what was happening.  I began to get scared.  I put my girls to bed and drove myself to emergency.

At emergency they did not know what was wrong with me, they thought I had something wrong with my stomach.  They decided to put an IV on me.  And prescribed me with stomach ulcer medicine.  I was sent home.  The next day I began to feel the same way I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I thought I was going crazy.  The numbness in my body, the shaking, the confusion. I went to emergency again, all they gave me was ativan but never explained to me what was wrong with me.  The doctor just said you will be ok.  I went home and slept till the next morning.  Where I woke up feeling the same.

I began to research and research online to see what was wrong with me, and came across heat stroke.  I then made a regular appointment with my doctor and asked if that was my diagnosis.  My doctor confirmed that by looking at my blood work and urine test taken in the ER that I was experiencing a heat stroke.  I felt relieved that it was only heat stroke and nothing else.  I went home feeling a little better, but soon after feeling a heat wave my body would react the same way.  My body would get numb and shaky and I would begin to panic for no reason.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I chose to ignore the feelings and moved on with my day feeling terrible.  I had to work and care for my kids!  I don’t know how I did it.  During those days I lost like 30 lbs.  I soon discovered that I was suffering from an anxiety attack.  So I was searching for natural remedies.  I began to take natural pills, but nothing worked.  I read it takes time for it to kick in so I tried to be as patient as possible waiting to feel better soon.

One day my husband took the girls to the park and I decided to tag along.  While watching my girls ride their bike, I had a sudden memory.  A year before a close friend of the family had hurt her child and then took her life.  Months before she did that, her and I went to that same park.  A sudden rush of panic went through my body and my breathing became tight.  I then asked myself “omg and I going crazy, would I do the same to my girls!”  My body soon started trembling and I immediately wanted to go home.  My husband could not understand what was wrong with me and called the girls over so we could go home.

I was so scared, I ran to bed and covered myself under the sheets.  Days passed and I could not understand why I had those thoughts.  By that time I was not able to look at my daughters or get near them.  I was afraid to be left alone with them.  My daughters would try to hug me and they would feel my shivering body.  They would ask what was wrong with me I would just say I’m cold.  I was convinced that I was crazy and that I would maybe hurt my daughters.  I started going to acupuncture, I read that it was good for anxiety,  I went for a couple sessions and soon the therapist said “I’m sorry I can’t help you”.  I explained my fears to her and thoughts, she told me ” scaring myself,  You need to see a Therapist“.

I then researched how to get rid of scary thoughts, and then Hypnotherapy came up.  I then began seeing a therapist and went through a couple sessions of hypnosis, but nothing helped.  It actually helped for a couple hours after leaving the session, but soon it would come back.  The therapist soon said that she could no longer help me and referred me to a psychologist.

Those days were terrible, I honestly don’t know how I made it out of bed.  I was so down and loosing so much weight.  I would cry and hug my daughters pictures, not understanding why I had such scary thoughts.  I felt terrible, all my life I tried to be a perfect mom and these thoughts ruined it all.

I soon began to see the psychologist, he was very nice and caring.  He began to ask me things about my past.  I interrupted him and asked, “could I tell you why I am here first”, he said sure.. So I explained everything I went through and ended with I want to know if I am crazy.  He smiled and said “you are not crazy, looks like you have really bad anxiety, you need medication”.  I asked “do you think I will harm my daughters”, he said “no”. “Go home and hug them, walk through the fire”.  He said “if you want to feel better you will need to face your fears”.  He is not an OCD specialist, but was good enough to recognize anxiety.

That night I went home and hugged and kissed my daughters, with a shaky body and crazy thoughts.  I still did it. I began to see this therapist twice a week, he was very helpful.  He explained how anxiety works and how anxiety will 10 fold your thoughts.  I began to feel some relief.

Weeks passed and the monster came back with a vengeance.  I had a childhood memory of me playing house with some boys and touching their private parts.  A rush of panic went through my body and it all started all over again.  I called the therapist having a panic attack.  I told him my thoughts and he suggested I go for a walk.  I was so scared thinking that I was a pedophile.  I then became afraid to be around my daughters one more time. This went on for months, I was molested as a child so I thought that I had become a molester myself.  I then read somewhere on the internet that children that get molested tend to become molesters in adulthood.  That sent me to an even worse place.  I felt terrible.

When I talked to my therapist he confirmed that it was my anxiety talking, I even called an emergency mental health help line.  They assured me the same, but I could not believe it.

I never knew I had OCD until I came across a book that explained everything I was experiencing.  When I read that book my jaw dropped.  I was so relieved that I was not alone.   But the symptoms did not go away.  I kept seeing the therapist, but I realized that all I was doing was getting reassurance from him.  I would leave happy, but a couple days later it would come back.  I remember bringing him an article and I told him “I have OCD”, he said “no that is for people who have physical compulsions”.  He said “you have an anxiety disorder”.  He had been a great help and did a great job explaining the anxiety part to me, I kept seeing him, but I also started to do my own research.  I began reading book after book until I was fully educated about the whole disorder.

I cannot say I am recovered, but I hope to one day be.  I keep reading books and I keep battling this monster every day.  I have had setbacks and relapses.  I am currently going through a relapse, I am so scared but know that I will make it out soon.  I wanted to share my story of my continuous battle with OCD.  I could say that I am doing normal things again, I gained the 30 lbs I lost and more than I wanted.  I live my life loving my daughters and allowing scary thoughts to be there.  I do have my times where I am so down I want to just stay away from everyone, but I will not let OCD take over my life again.

Comments (34)

  1. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated this story very much as I went through the same thing with my first born child. It was truly a terrifying experience as I was not aware that Postpartum OCD was a real thing. I was warned since I had OCD that Postpartum Depression was likely. I thought I had went insane and was terrified of myself. Luckily my mother researched my intrusive thoughts (which were horrifying) and realized what was going on. At that time, Postpartum OCD was not really discussed mainstream. My doctors were unaware of it. Now, I strive to tell women that suffer from OCD to watch out for it if they plan to have children, so if it does pop up they know to get help and not be afraid of themselves. It means so much for women that suffer postpartum OCD to speak out so that awareness is created. There should be just as much awareness and acceptance for Postpartum OCD as there is Postpartum Depression. No one should have to live with not knowing. I sympathize with your pain and fear as I was living the same hell. Thankfully there is help. Again, I thank you for speaking out about this. I am certain it will help many women struggling with this. You are very brave and I salute you.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story! There are so many others suffering with this who will be helped by knowing they are not alone. I know what it’s like to be haunted by these terrifying thoughts. And I know how ashamed OCD can make us feel. But you are not your OCD. You are so brave and strong for sharing your story. OCD doesn’t stand a chance against you!

  3. Pingback: George's OCD and Education | The OCD Stories

  4. Thanks for sharing your story
    I to have suffered the same thing
    Acceptance is the key to recovery
    Scary thoughts flash into my mind
    Completely out of the blue. I have Learned just to accept them they
    Scare the shit out of me but it’s part of who I am

  5. I too suffer from this and I want all mom’s out there to know, you are not alone. We will survive this and you are so brave for sharing. My OCD flares up every couple years now but the worst time was postpartum. My constant worry and what people think of me started back at age 14 and I am now in my 40s. I have to say, my doc was amazing and is an OCD specialist. I now only have flare-ups every couple years as I know I have an illness and my scary thoughts come out in times of stress. That being said, it doesn’t make those times any less debilitating and it lasts upwards of a month. I always feel afterwards, “what a waste of time!”. PLEASE EXERCISE. I cannot promote this enough to assist in warding off attacks or ‘crashes’ as I call them.

  6. Being a Mom with OCD and intrusive thoughts is terrifying. I know exactly how you feel 🙁 I don’t have full blown panic attacks as often as I did years ago (before I had kids, and I tried to cope with alcohol, it didn’t work.) But the intrusive thoughts happen daily. Wishing you the best.

  7. I’m not sure if this list is followed anymore but I want to thank the gal that wrote it. I’m sitting here crying because this is what I’m going through too! For the past 13 years I’ve been fighting the OCD monster and it just keeps getting worse. Your post gives me the strength to keep going and keep fighting

  8. Wow. I feel like I could have written parts of this article– and I’m crying tears of relief that I’m not alone. All my life I’ve considered myself a worrier & hypochondriac (runs in my family too), but I never thought it could be OCD. Thank you so much for sharing. I feel so much better just having read this.

  9. I’ve been struggling OCD since 2013, I’m 22 years old so it started pretty early for me. I can say that I’m better now than I was but I do have flare ups daily, the only difference is that I know I’m not alone and I’m not a monster… The OCD is and OCD isn’t me, it’s a disease. I have kids and a husband so you can imagine that OCD loves to target them. The compulsions are annoying, like checking doors and windows 1,000 times a night knowing I locked them “but you never know, so check it again lol” but the intrusive thoughts are the worst by far. I’m not comfortable with sharing what thoughts I have to live with but I do know I’m not the only one, which is great for me to know I’m not alone but sad to know someone else has to go through this! I hope one day OCD is took into consideration and someone somewhere can create a cure but until then just talking about it and having a good support system is good. If you’re struggling please know it will get better, you’re not alone and you’re not a monster. Don’t let OCD define you.

  10. I really don’t no how much more I can take of these horrendous thoughts can’t even pick my daughter up from school this is taking over my life I feel sick to the core I love my kids so much these thoughts and urges are killing me

    • Avatar photo

      Hi Sam,

      Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment. It does get better.

      If you aren’t seeing a CBT therapist I recommend doing so. Medication can help sometimes too (you would need to speak to your doctor about that). If you are not sure about how to find a therapist contact one of the OCD charities i.e. OCD Action, OCD UK, IOCDF (You can find them on Google).

      If you search “OCD” or “OCD Support” in Facebook there are many groups filled with people who understand and can offer support.

      Reading around OCD recovery can help. I recommend “the mindfulness workbook for ocd” and “freedom from obsessive compulsive disorder”.

      I hope that helps, and all the best in your recovery.

      Stu

    • Hi Sam,

      You are NOT alone. I remember being terrified at picking my kids up, or just being at home with them. But with a great psychologist, a little bit of medication and starting ERP sessions woth the OCD Centre of LA, it’s getting so much better. I had a day earlier this week where it was just an amazing day with the kids. I might have had thoughts but they didn’t bother me and I didn’t have a single ounce of anxiety. It almost felt foreign to feel so much peace! Yip, some anxiety came back the next day, but that one day that I never thought would happen ever again, did happen. And it can and will happen for you! Get the help and remember, it’s not you it’s OCD.

  11. Thank you for sharing this story. This is EXACTLY what I went through! I guess I’ve had ocd since I can remember. My parents loved to watch horror films and I would have to go outside for peace. If I heard someone scream or saw anything graphic in the film I wouldnt be able to get it out of my mind for weeks. I was also molested and exposed to many things a child shouldn’t have been exposed to. At a very young age I was always worrying and had odd tics and compulsions like walking over every crack with my left foot first and switching off lights a certain way with the outer edge of my pinky, counting my stuffed animals and making sure I gave each of them a kiss and hug equally, counting the numbers on the digital clock to end in 10. I had such bad thoughts all the time the counting and mental tics would seem to keep them at bay. The worst images and thoughts that took over my life were the pedophilia thoughts. Just writing that word my heart starts pounding. I quit babysitting kids and moved away to another city just to get away from my thoughts. Then I got pregnant…. I tried tonhave an abortion because I really believed I was a child molester but the ultrasound machine didn’t pick up my child’s presence so they thought it was ectopic. I prayed to God to make my decision for me because I was so worried I would be a bad mother and I truly believe he wanted me to have my so. I went for another ultrasound at the hospital and saw the heart beat. I cried and immediately couldn’t kill my little baby. I had him and within hours the thoughts happened. For 5 months I had crippling post partum ocd. I went to the mental hospital and they told me I needed to excercise whenever the thoughts came so I wouldn’t run away. So we spent a lot of time going on walks and jogs. I packed up my car and moved to the woods for the day and tried to kill myself but the knife just hurt too bad and the guilt too. I packed up my car multiple times with plans to leave so my son could have a normal life and be safe from me. Though I felt so terrible I stuck it out and then one day with therapy and doing Exposure therapy and meds I started to feel like a mom. For the first time I felt the joy of being a mother and I enjoyed my little man sooooo much! I cry right now thinking about it! People don’t understand how hard it is to have this mental disorder. It is pure hell on earth, years of our lives are wasted and taken by ocd and our children suffer too. I have had many relapses and my son is 8 now. I still have horrible thoughts and I don’t respond with terrible anxiety anymore but more feel defeated by this never ending mind fuck. I am 37 now and realizing that this is my life. These thoughts will never leave, the horrible body sensations, the urges, the fear, anxiety and gut wrenching self loathing. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong to my child. Just when I think I’m “normal” finally, my brain will find a new way to mess with me and come up with new things to obsess over. I realize the only way I feel ok is if I am working hard and being around people, I “fake it till I make it”, I pretend I am normal and I finally feel normal. If I stay home I get nuts again. It is exhausting but we are so strong and have many good traits and things we can bring to our families and the world. We have to stick together. Today is a bad day for me so I am negative but there have been so many good days when the cloud and lifted and we must stay strong and live for those days. Life is not easy and everyone suffers, we just suffer in our own morbid ocd way. Don’t give up. We can help many people with our deep compassion, ability to empathize and our strength.

    • You are so strong for writing everything you just did and I thank you so much because it has given my body and mind such a relief for the moment. I am so sorry that you are going threw this it is such a terrible thing!!! I have currently been going threw this now for 3 months and i just want to know when it is going to end, why me this is happening to WHYYYYYY any one suffers from this. As a mother it is literally the most devastating thing we could go threw. It is just wrong. Cuts me so deep I just to suicide in my mind about 4 times a week. I am seeing a physcitrist but she doesn’t see the ocd side of it just the chronic post tramatic stress. But every story I have read it hits home with me. So I am going to be reaching out for additional help And diagnosing. But my question to you.. as far as the body sensations, do you feel it in your groin? For the most part the intrusive thoughts have passed to where they are easier to deal with but now I feel like because from the very beginning of this happening I directed it toward a sensation and then everything in my mind ran wild from there. I feel like I have trained my mind to when I look at my 6 year old my groin goes crazy as well as my body gets anxious. My child can literally be sitting there just playing a game (fully dressed) and it happens. I think about him it happens. I feel like everytime I look at him I am subconsciously checking to see if I get a response. I am no way a child molester for this has happened to me and makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about it!!! This is literally driving me to insanity but I do my best to stay strong I just can’t understand why this is happening to me and my son is 6 and it never has before! It all happened because I was vacuuming and looked at my son and felt a sensation down there and then my mind ran wild from there. Why did I look into it? Why didn’t I just ignore the feeling? Why did I have to place that to my sweet innocent child? I feel like I’m stuck like this forever! Even started believing it but I know I am not and never would harm him in any way! I just want to be able to look at my child and have the thought that he is the most beautiful thing on this planet and not have the sensation make me think I’m saying that because I am a pedophile.

      • Avatar photo

        Hi Hailey,

        Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear you have been having a tough time, it gets better.

        The groin response is a fairly common occurrence in this type of OCD. I recommend looking at Chrissie Hodges videos as she talks about this a lot – http://www.chrissiehodges.com/

        Also speak to the charity iocdf.org about seeing the right provider to get assessed for OCD by a specialist.

        Hope that helps.

  13. I just want to hug this mom! It takes great courage to let this all out. I love this community because none of what she said is weird or crazy, to us these thoughts are so relatable. We are not alone. Wishing her the best in her recovery.

  14. This was such a relief to read! I have always had OCD and been in treatment and medicated for anxiety. I stopped taking medication when I got pregnant against my physcisgrists wishes, which was probably dumb. Once my son was born in May I have been struggling so much. Thinking obsessively about illnesses he may have and spending hours on google. Even dr’s are unable to convince me there isn’t something wrong. My paychistrist explains that OCD can be really strong post pardom and I felt so relieved – everyone kept telling me it was first time mom worries – but this was not normal. It’s so strange that even knowing I have OCD , I can still not realize what is happening. I’ve been referred to an OCD specialist and have an appointment in a month. In the meantime I am back on meds and working with my therapist who I have been with for a long time. It’s such a relief to know that other moms are dealing with this

  15. I am a mother of a 5 year old who thank god is healthy for majority of time. I am extremely anxious and OCD, I weigh him every night, not proud of it. If he complains of something I keep asking him if he ok constantly, My anxiety and OCD started in 2016. I am able to have some ok days, and there are other nights that I lay awake thinking the worst, I Google for hours at a time. When I was 6 years old I lost my father in a car accident, and my grandfather the same day. When I was 18 I was engaged and lost a fiancé he was 26, he just died. My therapist explains why I have these terrible thoughts and its me, it has nothing to do with my kid. Fortunately my pediatrician is good and responds quickly to my requests most of the times. I am on meds at the moment. But prayers go our to anyone that has to live with this. I feel you, I hear you.

    • Avatar photo

      Thanks for sharing Sarah. Sorry you are experiencing this but OCD is very treatable. Medication can help, but also therapy is very useful.

      Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is the main therapy for OCD. There is a particular part of CBT that works for OCD which is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. A CBT therapist will be able to help you get better – contact one of the OCD charities to find a CBT therapist iocdf.org or ocdaction.org.uk.

      It’s worth doing some reading on OCD as it will help you understand it more and how to tackle it, I recommend “getting over ocd” by Dr Jon Abramowitz.

      Hope that helps.

  16. MY OCD started when I was 29, Im currently 33.
    All started with germophobia and scared of touching anything outside and thinking I will die.
    NO my son is almost 7 and my constant worry is that someone will hurt him in a sexual manner. I love my son to death and the thought of him getting hurt scares me.
    If we are on the line of a fast food place and I take my eyes off to pay, I feel someone did something to him while I was paying. If I have someone fixing either cable, pool or something in the house and I lose his sight for even a minute even knowing he is in same room I go crazy thinking maybe while I answered the phone, or answered a text something happened. I keep asking him, did you move upstairs while mommy was on the phone, did you talk to the pool guy or did he did something bad to you and so on and on and on.
    Literally I had the cable guy upstairs and his dad was on the FaceTime with me and he got out of the counter to go to pantry and when he came back from pantry I felt he was gone for a while. Of course I freaked out, I started asking him if he went somewhere besides the pantry he says no mommy only pantry and fridge, I had him in the pantry diagonal to counter where Im sitting but still worry maybe he escaped upstairs and something happened.
    I feel Im going crazy.

    • Avatar photo

      Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment, it does get better.

      Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is the main therapy for OCD. There is a particular part of CBT that works for OCD which is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. A CBT therapist will be able to help you get better – contact one of the OCD charities to find a CBT therapist iocdf.org. This charity may have some good information too: https://maternalocd.org/

      It’s worth doing some reading on OCD as it will help you understand it more and how to tackle it, I recommend the book “getting over ocd” by Dr Jon Abramowitz.

      There are also many good OCD support groups on Facebook that may help. Here’s a good one: https://www.facebook.com/groups/165363354166903/

      Also contact the OCD charity https://iocdf.org/ as they will be able to help.

      OCD and anxiety are very treatable, speak to a mental health professional and they will be able to help.

      Hope that helps. ?

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